to be a freak like me

maybe i really need to rest of my mind...and my emotions...definatly my emotions first...i need movie or something to distract me...or better cartoon...South Park will be perfect i guess...for me easiest thing in the world is to make myself overwhelmed with myself...no people needed...i actually forgot when i felt completely comfortable with someone...i know I'm getting crazy with all of this books all the time...But long ago, no i didn't decide it, but understood that I'm that kind of freak, who prefer book company rather than human. I know it's wrong, i know that any of books could not replace normal company, normal communication process and normal human behavior. Yeah, i definatly learned how to pretend normal at my job...It's the only place where i have to pretend it. Everything else i can escape...I'm escaping my friends...I've started to write letters even to friends who are in Ukraine, you know, instead of calling them, I'm not talking about seeing them...I know i sound snobish, but what i can do else? My *normal* friends simply don't understand me anymore. For the big question *what's up new?* I'm usually freaking out to answer...Like something going on in my life! HA! Nothing is going on! And this is the way i like it! It's hard to believe but it was completely conscious decision i made...I simply ran away from everything distracting... I'm not allowing myself  to have a boyfriend and friends, it's too much, considering that I'm leaving soon. I don't wanna get attached to anyone. No emotional attachments to anybody. Insane? The same story with all people i can escape of. Don't tell me it's crazy, i know it's is. Like I'm preparing myself to another life, it was logical decision. Once i felt to say someone important in your life good bye forever just because you moving out the state, i wanted to protect myself from it. It was just to hard for me...

But really...One question keep popping out in my head...What if this new magic special life I'm expecting for will never come true? I'd rather don't think about it, hoping I'm not the only one freak like this. 

PS. And actually. For the people, who sometimes reads this and ask me why this crap is in english, I'm answering: for practice! I need to practice all my writing skills, to think in english i guess. so if u don't understand me, and my english freaking you out just come down, put me in ignore list and enjoy your life:) 

take care.

always yours

Lulu from Mars.