in english.personal.too close to the truth.

I'm just going and going crazy...my terrible dreams started again...i making stories again and again and i feel like if I'm not gonna write them down i will die...not die physically but emotionally...it's like when you overreacting for everything and just don't know what a hell is going on with you...i don't...i sincerely don't know...it feels like i made this *another me* and it trying to take everything away from me...but it look OK i guess and i look normal...sometimes i become really really rude to everyone but I'm trying to keep it inside...

i don't belong to them...actually saying i don't know where i belong...and it's ruining me...

i hate mornings...it's like the worst part, when i hate everything and everyone. it started at 6 am, i was on this stupid bus station waiting for damn bus to Kiev and freezing. i sat on my sit, i said goodbye again to this terrible town...and I've realized that i still running away from it, from it's citizens and from myself...it was two part's of me...First, who was trying to convince me that i love everything about it, that it's all so damn great and perfect and second, who couldn't just stay there for another second. I new that they always will percept me in different way that i wanted to be percepted. They will always expect me to be irresponsible and unreliable and not independent  one. I was always trying to get away from their thoughts of me. It was discusting to see them looking at me and saying that i will be always the same. Number two.second one.not desirable one. not expected and not wanted. they was trying to convince me in it all my life, just because i didn't want to play on public...just because i thought that if you r kind and good they will see it...but...I was dreamer as usual...as long as i wasn't saying that i was the best they was considering me the worst...and so on...my god, i was so tired to be number two that i escaped as soon as i could...but they was always trying made me to come back...to be a lier...to smile when i feel discussed, to say glad to see you when i wanted to say fuck off...i was to complicated for them. they just couldn't realize that somebody could be different and not wrong and that was me. but in the world of rules and lies there was no place for me... there was no place for me anywhere as long as i was trying to fit in not in my world. i was lost for so many years so it was the only way to survive: to create my own world...but what didn't i knew about it then? i was just creating something with different face but with same lie inside...

i was trying to make something perfect...but all i made it was mistake...huge mistake with the name *my life*...