in english again.to prevent or to hide

i sat still on my sit. right...i hated public transport almost as nothing else in the world. too much noisy people, to close to me, interrupting my space. I never could relax in such circumstances. I remember that time when i had my car. it's sounds like my own personal freedom, and i enjoyed it as much as i could. i could drive for hours just to find another lake in the state on 10 thousands lakes...i never liked lakes so much, but all this different places was magic for me. i could stare on water for hours, enjoying freedom and loneliness. i guess I'm that kind of people who enjoy loneliness much more than someones company...but it's not the topic...

so, i was going to railroad station...again...i hated it even more than public transport. it's not me, who needed to change tickets...but still, i was feeling so much uncomfortable than ever. 

And than, one thought interrupted me from being miserable. I've suddenly understood where all my self-problems coming from. I hated being normal! It was kind of funny cause i was never ever considering myself normal...Even my closest friends thought I'm different, they always said that i was strange to them, and once i understood that no-one i know will understand me as much as i wanted to i just stop getting closer to people. I made this illusionary wall in front of me guarding me from anyone. My wall got broken just couple times, and it was just because i broke it for someone. No-one could ever brake it except me, and even when i did it, it was just because i was trying to lie to myself. I got hurt and i made it again. But it wasn't about it. It was about me, struggling in agony to live *normal* usual life, even pretend i like it. OK, i could say that i always wanted something impossible to reach. I wanted something  not ordinary, something huge...i can understand that almost each other girl thinking dreaming about the same. But *my* dream never was about fairy-tails and happy endings. I wasn't looking for something bad in the end, but i never imagined myself princess in pink dress or so. It wasn't that what i wanted. 

And when this one thought came to my mind, when i suddenly understood *what* i wanted to be it made me motionless, sitting among all this people in the bus, but being different much more than i ever been in my life; Thinking about something unfamiliar but so intense that it razed all my thoughts except one.  

i will never be the same again, i was just not ment to be.